We had just played a show in Brooklyn, and so here, Spencer is driving back to his apartment in Harlem to get ready. We didn't officially hit the road until after midnight.
If this is how tired I looked before the trip, you can only imagine how I looked after taking the first driving shift, over 7 hours from New York through Pennsylvania. For some reason, I was obsessed with driving into the sunrise, which I did, and it was beautiful. I only stopped for gas, and didn't pull over until I started to fall asleep and thought that the trees were turning into dinosaurs. Luckily the punk mixes I had made on my iPod helped my long crawl across Interstate 80.
Sam took the wheel next.
I was alive! Took a victory photo, yellow teeth and all.
Spencer lounged in the back.
This was pretty much the sight for 18 hours. Lots and lots of corn.
The people of Iowa did not personally welcome us, but it was an inviting gesture nonetheless.
The Novak residence! This is where we would spend the next three days.
Spencer and I shacked up in Dora's little sisters room.
We immediately tried on her collection of Chinese/cowboy themed hats.
We wasted no time and drove off to the Iowa State Fair, which I truly believe everyone should visit at least once in their lives. The food is lacking in any nutritional value, but it is goddamn delicious. Here, one family sold snacks like chocolate covered bacon from their front lawn.
This guy had a bottle of whiskey "disguised" in a Poland Spring bottle, and asked for donations as children got to pet his snake. I know that sounds very wrong, but I assure you, it was very innocent.
Dora's little sis was not afraid to use the snake as a scarf.
Headed over to the petting zoo. Put Dora's sister on a camel.
Dora looks on.
Sam is a friend to the animals.
It quickly became a heavy petting zoo.
The world's first two headed goat! Not really.
Spencer got to feed this majestic forrest animal.
The fairground. I got to see people, tee shirts, tattoos and sights that I will never get to see again at another location. The best people-watching spot in the world is the Iowa State Fair.
Apparantly, Tone Loc played a few nights earlier.
My first snack of the night: Corn Dog. I also ended up trying deep-fried Snickers, fried pickles, and about a half gallon of beer.
Kum and Go is a convenience store in Iowa. They are having a contest to name their newest 32 Oz. Guzzler cup, which I vote should be named, "The 32 Oz. Kum Guzzler."
Sam and Dora shared a snack.
Spencer having a Turkey Leg. I tried it, it wasn't my favorite.
We went for a ride on the skyline, which was so fun because you got to people watch all the folks coming across you, as well as bird's eye people watch!
We all got progressively wasted and wandered around the fair until late in the evening.
The next day, the entire family invited us out onto their boat in the lake.
Paul Novak takes the picnic supplies out to his extremely beautiful boat.
These fish would swim up to the dock. I tried to catch them with my bare hands, but to no avail.
Spencer worked on his tan.
I felt so wealthy to be with such a good group of people and in such a gorgeous setting.
We all started doing flips and stuff off the boat, which is a favorite pastime of mine. Eventually, I let Dora's little sister fake punch me off the side of the boat where I would fly back into the water. Only the second time I did it I separated my shoulder for the second time. I can assure you, there is no worse place to be than the water when your shoulder comes out of place. You have to tread water in an immense amount of pain. I managed to not only swim back to the boat, but to pull myself up and pop my shoulder back into place. No problem! But that ended the swimming for the rest of the vacation.
Later that night, Dora, Sam, Spencer, Dora's older sister, and myself spent the night drinking liberally and lighting off fireworks out of our bare hands. After a bottle rocket mishap, I had to quickly check that I had all five digits on my right hand. Then we lit off some more fireworks until Dora's sister's friends showed up and invited us out to "The Lumberyard: Where real men go to get wood."
Now I had never been to a strip club before, so I told the fellas that I wanted the girls to be gnarly, preferably with black eyes, fake everything and a severe limp. They told me that wouldn't be a problem. Truth be told, the girls were actually pretty decent, and one of them asked if I was single (over the bass of songs from Nickelback and West Coast rap, I thought she asked if I was seal).
Shortly afterwards, a meth-tweaked stripper took the stage. The audience (of about 12 people, not bad for a Sunday night,) went absolutely bananas when tweaker strutted over to Dora's sister, removed her top, and started sucking on our best friend's ta-tas in front of everyone. I didn't know whether to laugh or to look down at my shoelaces. Then the tweaker tried to pull a repeat on Dora, but she wasn't having it.
The tweaker was getting pretty frustrated, and eventually Sam started pulling Dora away from the stage. I went off to piss, but when I returned, I was greeted by re several 300 something pound bouncers looking over me telling me they have to talk to me. I was awfully confused as to what I could have done, but then the situation got explained that they simply had the wrong guy and that both the girl and her boyfriend had left the club. That was the end of Dora and Sam at the Lumberyard.
Spencer and I were far from through, and continued to enjoy the fruits of these fine dancers' labor. The night concluded by drinking (yes, even more drinks) at Dora's sister's friends house, which we were escorted to in a refurnished ambulance.
The next morning, I prepared for a second outing on the boat, still thinking about the previous night's insanity.
We had another delicious picnic, and then spent the remainder of the afternoon driving around Des Moines eating at drive through restaurants and laughing at the scenery. I went to a Wal Mart for the first time, people watched some more, and tried to hold one of the rifles in the gun section. The man behind the counter told me I wasn't taking anything seriously and that he was a cop for over 30 years. I told him that both of my dads were cops.
We took a mandatory cornfield photo.
It was kind of corny.
That night, the three of us plus Dora went to her friend Jon's place in Iowa City. What a neat little place to live! We got wasted, played the board game Life, and watched Pawn Stars. Spencer and I even got to stagger around town and buy late night pizza and obliterate a discarded television set. We concluded the evening by putting all of our coins on the train tracks. The next morning, they were totally warped! So cool.
We woke up, went to Which Wich, a very creative sandwich place, and then went to visit Mayim at the hospital. I am happy to say that Mayim is now out of the hospital recovering. We did so much during the four days, but our last stop to see Mayim had to be my absolute favorite. She is the coolest girl in the entire world, not to mention drop dead gorgeous. We played yet another round of Life in her presence, which she won by a landslide. I mean, can there be a more obvious metaphor to insert here?
I didn't want to leave her for a split second, and I certainly didn't want to leave Iowa, but it was getting late in the afternoon on Tuesday, and I had school early Thursday morning. The open road was calling us back East.
The Iowa sunset, shortly after a pit stop at the world's largest Truck Station.
Sam started the drive off back towards New York. On the home, I acquired over 200 dollars in driving related fines. I had a sore shoulder that was separated. I was riddled with bug bites. I risked serious heart failure from eating so much fried food and drinking so much alcohol. It was all in all the most worthwhile trip I've ever taken. Good friends, good times, and Mayim. What else do you need in life? I'm actually planning out my trip back to Iowa to see Mayim, and although this will have been an extremely difficult vacation to top, I'm expecting this journey to be even better.
Thank you to the Novak family, Jon Waters, Andrea, and all of our other friends we met along the trip. Those four days will stick with me for the rest of my life. Be well!
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